Unblocking My Voice

This week I took a very practical step with my vision for this space, and particularly my podcast. Taking this step churned up a lot of feeling of self doubt, headiness, fear and overall resistance.

I felt all of it, noted it, and heard a voice creep up saying "You don't have to do this." And "Maybe you need to push your passions aside a little longer." Beneath these voices are the painful familiar voices that tell me l'm too much.

I was sitting with that.

Fast forward and I’m about to begin a breathe work session. The facilitator has randomly put a card on my mat that reads “What passion have you put aside or buried? What passion are you wanting to pursue?”

Gulp.

I breathe that in.

We dance.

We lay down.

We breathe.

The music kicks in.

The session has started.

After about the second or third song, I hear the facilitators voice guiding us to breathe "better," to breathe REALER. I hear her saying, How far does your breathe go? Where does it take you? Where does it stop? Where does it end?"

This is when I realize something.

Something kind of tragic.

And something so important to learn.

My breathe.

It's stuck in my throat.

My VOICE.

It’s stuck in my throat.

This is a really hard and really great discovery, to feel so clearly in my body, as l'm sitting with a lot of stuff around using my voice.

I journeyed inward to dislodge what's taking up space, and so utterly stuck, in my throat.

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There's so much that comes up for me around VOICE.

Is this my voice or someone else's? What's my true voice?

If I use my real voice will I let people down?

What if I’m not happy with my real voice?

If things don't stop in my voice will I cry? Break down?

Will I tell the truth, to myself and others?

Will I stop silencing myself when I feel hurt and upset?

What did I experience that silenced me?

What has happened that is stopping my breathing in my throat?

Would I cry for help if I needed it?

Am I worth being heard?

Isn't someone saying this already?

Why should I have to speak for you to hear me?

What will change if I use my voice?

What if it’s a lot?

What if it’s nothing at all?

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VOICE

It's scary not to have one.

It’s frightening TO have one.

But you know what helps? And isn't as fearful?

Having faith in God. And the Godliness within. When you know that God is enlivening you every second, and chose to put you here, and return your soul to you in the morning, that take away so much of the inner turmoil. The people in my life who are using their voices the most are true believers who have crafted and worked on their relationship with God. They've surrendered to the truth that they have purpose and have to use it. This is a process for me currently. But it feels good to just recognize that this is possible. For me, it's very much the goal. It doesn't mean the absence of struggle. But it DOES mean having faith, and taking strength from the truth. We are all here to fix what's broken. God is waiting.

This is why the relationship with God and self are so intertwined. It's such a beautiful, guiding reality l'm reminding myself to sink into this more.

l've known religious people who have knocked the idea of self worth, arguing that it sounds pompous. It's so easy to disregard it as a millennial therapeutic term. Like, if you just believed that God gave you a mission and purpose why would you struggle with this? What I often want to say is, “Well lucky you!” (With my most snarky smile.) Not everyone can just snap into believing that we have a purpose from God. Some of us actually need to wrestle with God and ourselves just a little bit. Or a lot. Some of us have experiences that interfere.

Some of us need to struggle to get to our purpose. Very much like many of our foremothers and fathers did. And maybe what we find through the struggle is greater and more profound than what could have existed without it.

Self worth is often a conduit for letting Hashem's voice finally, finally reach us. Self worth doesn't mean we are filled with ego, but quite the opposite; we are so worthy and secure that we let ourselves be like air, letting God fill the space where there was normally so much fear.

Most of us that struggle with using our voice are really struggling with our messiness. Our humanness. What if I say it wrong? What if I don't capture it all? What if I hurt someone? What if I have to take it back and do it over? What if I put myself into it and it's still not perfect? What if no one gets me?

What if it’s all...worthless?

Maybe we just need to move out of the way.

We need to let the imperfections show.

Our imperfections needs a voice, too.

Will we let them take the stage? And you know what? That's what God loves the most. That's what he chose. For the divine to rest in a physical world with problems, a world fall of humans with imperfections and blockages and brokenness.

Because if we were angels, no work would get done.

When we talk about "serving" God. To me, it means being awakened to our own service. How are we going to serve this world, others? How will we make our contributions?

This is why the esoteric teachers of Judaism have always spoken to me the most: they emphasize our task, from an extraordinarily in depth and humanistic perspective. Through the lens of God as a father, not untouchable.

God is above needs.

God also has the greatest and most divine need (because NEED isn't negative or lacking!).

God has need in the most perfect way. And part of that need is for creation to live up to its calling. To find all the broken fragments and piece it together.

If there's something getting in the way, we need to do some unblocking. Usually, connection — with God, with ourselves — takes us there.

We have a voice whether we know it or not, whether we are using it (yet) or not. Our task is to connect with the selfless divine within that wants us to speak. Sometimes it takes time. It takes trust. But if we step aside to let what’s meant to be flow, we will find it. We will hear it. We will use it.