Q+A: I'm dating a great guy but don't feel a spark/chemistry. Advice?

What I find very striking about this question is that, while I HAVE seen men I know deliberate on chemistry, it is predominantly women who will stay in a relationship and keep trying to figure out if it exists. Unfortunately, too many teachers and mentors and family members support this mistrust with ourselves by encouraging to stay with relationships that aren't giving us that spark.

I personally think chemistry is one of the most simple basic requirements of relationships, both friends and romantic. (Of course when it's romantic, and for marriage, the chemistry emphasizes "spark" and attraction more.)

It's something we KNOW when we have it.

There may be pressures, there may be doubts and voices...but if we look at it simply: we know if we feel a spark or not.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe said the most important aspect to look for when dating is the “drawing of the heart.” This simply means being drawn to the person — not in your mind but in your heart! Attraction! Spark! The Rebbe was reminding us that with all our emphasis on character and marrying a good person and "reasoning" in our minds, the involvement of our heart MATTERS.

Are you drawn to this person? If you’re not sure, the answer is no. This doesn't mean it's wrong to feel compelled to see if it will grow, but you'll have to make sure you give yourself a limit and don't get entangled in a relationship and increased closeness (which is different than chemistry) simply because you've come this far.

You ask for my advice so here it is:

Take a break. See how you feel. It can be so clarifying to hear your inner voice and desires without the context of seeing the person you’re dating.

End the relationship I’d the “drawing of the heart” isn’t there. If you’ve tried to see if chemistry will grow, and it's not, then it likely won't. This advice is a slap in the face far every matchmaker who insists you stay at it, because everything is so good. But is everything good, if the major elemental component of a relationship is not there? It doesn't matter how many men you've dated and how many times this keeps happening. It's okay not to feel crazy in lave, at beginning stages of a relationship and even in marriage, but do not stay or get engaged without basic chemistry.

This may require:

1. Trusting yourself and your feelings

2. Believing you are worthy of feeling the (basic) magie of chemistry

3. Listening to your needs and voice above all else

4. Remembering that you don't owe anyone favors and aren't doing them a service by staying in a relationship where you're quite simply not feeling it

_________

Chemistry is holy.

Attraction is holy.

Your desire for spark is holy.

Repeat that ten times or as necessary.

Many religious educators will downplay spark, will mock romance, will undervalue the need to feel. But feeling drawn and falling in love with someone is how we KNOW. We are created this way because it is a basic spiritual and evolutionary necessity, that also happens to make relationships HAPPEN, make them ENJOYABLE, and keep us striving for more.

If you feel chemistry, of course so much more needs to be there too.

Bur if you DON'T feel chemistry, it doesn’t matter what else is.

___________

I’ll share my personal experience and what I always shared with my sister and I will absolutely be emphasizing to my daughter when the time comes.

When I met Moshe, I carne home (at 6am) and told my mother I am marrying this man. Whether that is normal or common or not, that's what I felt and hey, I was right.

But the question is, what did I feel? Was it attraction? Lust? No. Here's what it was: my heart felt an intense familiarity and knowing and SENSE that I was meant to be close to him and with him. I felt like he was meant to be drawn close to me, and me to him. On an emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual level. I told my mother, "Our chemistry is INSANE. It's like we've known each other our whole lives."

Does everyone who falls in love need to feel all this? No. Do you need to feel anything on a fìrst date? Not necessarily. I might even make the case that if my daughter did this l'd be worried! But hear me out...

Flash forward to our engagement. Lots of real life stuff. Struggles. Flash fonvard to immediately after our beautiful wedding: more real life stuff. More struggles. Lots of miscommunication. Hurt. Pain. Even more into marriage. Kids. Family Making a living. So much struggle. So much pain.

We are married now 12 years and I can write a book on our hardships, the kind of stuff you’d never, as a young girl, imagine experiencing with someone you love, the accumulation of painful words and experiences and real and valid hurts and resentment and fears and worry For both of us. Therapy. Time separated. Kore therapy. Growth. Clarity. Vulnerability. An insensible amount of emotional strength and accountability but also wanting to run far far away plenty of times.

For anything and everything we have been through, our basic primal and foundational chemistry has been what has pulled us through. Even if we didn't feel it in the moment (because you very often don't), it has served as a reminder and a basis for the way we fight, the way we remember each other, and the way we even give a sh*t about trying.

(I want to make clear here that of course this and my experiences exclude physical harm and abuse and no amount of chemistry should ever keep you in a dangerous or abusive relationship.)

Have I again felt the way I did when we dated? Maybe some fleeting moments. But it doesn't matter. Because we are married and our love has outgrown the elemental basic primary need for chemistry in that form. We've built something new, an intimacy that's much more grounded in realness and vulnerability and actually knowing each other tangibly, not only in our souls. But guess what? You can be sure that what I felt then, illuminated the reality ofhow much I LIKED Moshe, and felt he was my soulmate. And THAT feeling. THAT knowledge. THAT truth, hasn't gone away.

Even when I have wanted it to.

Does it mean we have the perfect marriage? If there was such a thing it certainly wouldn't be us. Does it mean we communicate well all the time? Not even close. Does it mean we are always respectful? Nope. Does it mean we are a great couple? Eh. (In some ways, yes, in others no.)

Does it even mean we are immune to divorce? Nope not even that. People who had chemistry get divorced all the time. People who LOVE each other get divorced all the time. And there's no such thing as marriage without the possibility of divorce. (That would be prison.)

But here's what the foundation of that chemistry DOES mean. For me.

It means that during our dark moments and extreme hardships, I simply cannot tell myself that I never liked him in the first piace, that I shouldn't have convinced myself we had something, and that we were never meant to be. I know that the chemistry we had was a TRUTH. Was a guide. It means I didn't put myself aside when I chose him. And that is EVERYTHING.

I realize now that when I met Moshe, I loved myself enough to know that I deserved to marry someone I had chemistry with.

I realize now that despite being young and naive. And despite having dated someone prior to him that I stayed with way too long waiting to feel more. And despite everything in our culture and society that might have swayed me to give up searching for that feeling, I deep down KNEW I was meant to feel what I did. And l'm grateful for that. And l'm also grateful for my mother who saw the beauty and magic in it, and didn't question or challenge the truth of what I felt. She was elated for me. It wasn't silly or stupid — she knew it was real. Surround yourself with people and experiences that know your worth and how deserving you are of these cherished beautiful sensational feelings in your life and want this for you!

I know this is a hard subject. I know there are a myriad of experiences (and do share them, please!). I know my story seems magical. But that's not what my point is. It's not about needing a romance-novel level of attraction or being so head aver heels right away. (Sometimes that’s a trauma bond and the best kind of chemistry is grounded!) Please don't let that be your takeaway. The point is, we deserve to have chemistry, to feel it without the weight of doubt, and to let it be our guide. And no matter your story, your age, how many men or women you've dated, or what people say (even people who love you), you are the only one making this decision and you're the only one that needs to feel what you know you need to. Make decisions from a place of inward trust and be decisive with what you know you feel or don't feel. You deserve chemistry and spark in your romantic relationships. (Start with giving it to yourself. That will set the bar, and will never fail you.) Not because it means your marriage will be amazing or last forever (no one knows that going in, you can't possibly!), but because it's a BASIC requirement of a romantic relationship in the here and now. Which is all we truly have.